


we are not shining stars

by ShippingEverything



Category: Spring Awakening - Sheik/Sater
Genre: A Hanschen character study honestly, Angst, Canon Compliant, Ernst Dies, Hanschen lives on, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, M/M, Sad, This happens before during and after the show so warnings for all of that, actually all the ships are minor, the helchior is minor, this is more "Let's hurt Hanschen a lot and examine his character" than anything else, very introspective
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-11
Updated: 2016-06-11
Packaged: 2018-07-14 10:58:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7168307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShippingEverything/pseuds/ShippingEverything
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>Max was passionate in everything he did and his temper could easily boil over in a matter of seconds if someone said something that he didn’t like. Someone could punch Ernst in the face and Ernst would </i>literally<i> turn the other cheek. </i></p><p>A sort of sequel to "oh change will come"</p>
            </blockquote>





	we are not shining stars

**Author's Note:**

  * For [howveryzoe](https://archiveofourown.org/users/howveryzoe/gifts).
  * Inspired by [oh change will come](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5739790) by [ShippingEverything](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShippingEverything/pseuds/ShippingEverything). 



> Title from Carry On by Fun. 
> 
> Another fic for Zoe's Birthmonth celebration. The doc title was "oh god these kids deserve better-the sad hanschen fic" so @ zoe I hope you enjoy pain :)
> 
> You should probably read ["oh change will come"](http://archiveofourown.org/works/5739790) first but if you don't want to just know: Hanschen's old bf Max got super sick and died, and Hanschen lowkey blames himself
> 
> Use of the q slur so look out for that

Ernst Robel is an enigma. 

He’s quiet, soft-spoken, kind, but he’s also stubborn and resilient and strong. He may not get the best grades but he’s somehow still happy and he occasionally even talks back to Herr Sonnenstich. He rarely defends himself but the other day, Hanschen overheard him scolding Georg for teasing Moritz. He folds in on himself if anyone so much as looks at him and he seems so  _ small _ , but he’s the tallest of the boys, taller than even Hanschen’s dad. 

He’s nice to Hanschen, which is odd because Hanschen hasn’t been nice to  _ anyone _ since Max died, and he doesn’t seem to mind when Hanschen gets snippy with him. It’s-

Weird.

Good weird.

* * *

  
  


Ernst Robel is not Max Von Trenk.

Obviously, Ernst isn’t a doppelganger of any kind nor was Max, but recently it’s become more and more clear how different Ernst is than Max. 

Max was passionate in everything he did and his temper could easily boil over in a matter of seconds if someone said something that he didn’t like. Someone could punch Ernst in the face and Ernst would  _ literally _ turn the other cheek. 

_ He’s soft _ , Hanschen finds himself thinking as he walks to the church to visit Max’s grave,  _ He’ll never survive in the real world _ .

He sits at Max’s grave and tells him about his week, as he does every Saturday. Hanschen may not believe in the church or the clergy or god anymore, but he believe that Max is wherever good people go after death and that he would enjoy the sentiment of Hanschen’s ritual, if not the act itself. As he’s about to leave, the back door of the church swings open. Hanschen, who isn’t actually allowed to be in the church cemetery, hides behind a headstone.

It’s Father Kaulbach that comes out, hastily tucking his shirt into his pants. He looks sloppy, disheveled, like he just ran around town twice. Following after him is Ernst Robel, looking somehow even more ruffled than Father Kaulbach.

“Excellent job, boy,” Father Kaulbach says. 

Ernst nods jerkily, his eyes downcast. “Yes, Father.”

Father Kaulbach pats Ernst on the shoulder and Hanschen can tell, even from as far away that he is, that Ernst tenses under the touch. The look in Father Kaulbach’s eyes is dark and it makes Hanschen so uncomfortable that he has to look away. He looks back up when he hears a wet, smacking sound, and Father Kaulbach is walking away and Ernst is roughly wiping his mouth and-

Hanschen has heard whispers of rumors, about other towns and other churches, where the priests make the alter boys do  _ things _ , but he didn't think that kind of thing could happen  _ here _ . He doesn’t know for sure, of course not, but... the way that Ernst physically shudders when Father Kaulbach says “I’ll see you tomorrow, Robel,” makes him  _ think- _

“Fuck you,” Ernst mutters, quiet enough that Father Kaulbach didn’t hear it but loud enough that it’s audible. He spits on the ground and shuffles off in the opposite direction.

“Maybe not so soft, after all,” Hanschen mumbles to Max’s grave. He picks himself up and goes home, and if he ends up staying as close to Ernst as possible the entire time they're in church and then pulling Ernst away immediately after with the excuse of homework help then, well, that's between him and the headstones.

* * *

 

Hanschen has begun to collect little ways that Ernst is different from Max. He isn't sure when it happened, he just knows that now when Ernst does anything, even something as simple as picking up a pencil, Hanschen will automatically note  _ Oh, Ernst is left-handed, Max was right-handed _ and he can't stop himself and he  _ doesn't know why _ .

Well, that isn't quite true, he has some idea why; a way to convince himself that he isn't replacing Max, to convince himself that Ernst will never mean to him what Max did. 

Hanschen never had anyone like Max and he doesn’t intend to have anyone like him ever again. Max was… one of a kind. Special in a way that no one else could be. Max Von Trenk was Hanschen’s first and only love and, as far as anyone is concerned, Hanschen’s heart was buried along with him.

_ Then why _ , Hanschen wonders, safe in his seat in the back of the class as Ernst is chastised by Herr Sonnenstich,  _ Why am I so interested in him? _

When Ernst is leaving class dejectedly, Hanschen stands up and says, “I'll walk with you, Ernst.”

Ernst blinks at him, all soft edges and wide eyes. That's another thing that intrigues Hanschen, how the Ernst Robel that he saw in the cemetery is nothing like the Ernst Robel that he sees in class or the Ernst Robel that he talks to sometimes. Ernst stares at him for another moment before licking his lips and asking, “You will?”

“We can work on the Homer,” Hanschen finds himself saying. He'd intended to only walk Ernst home and maybe speak to him, not to offer homework help, but Ernst is beaming at Hanschen now and Hanschen can't find it in himself to take it back. “Maybe do some Achilles and Patroclus,” He adds. It's the next story they're planning to do in class but Hanschen doesn't realize how it sounds until the words are already out of his mouth. Thankfully, the allusion seems to fly over Ernst's head, but as they leave Hanschen catches Melchior’s eye. Melchior Gabor is too smart for his own good and Hanschen knows that he's read what some people are saying about the old epic. Gabor is looking at Hanschen like Hanschen is a particularly hard puzzle that he's just realized how to complete, like all the pieces are snapping into place at last. He opens his mouth and Hanschen breaks their eye contact and walks--runs, nearly, but Ernst’s legs are long enough to keep up with little to no effort so he doesn't feel bad--away. If Gabor wants to talk to Hanschen, he'll have to catch him first. 

* * *

 

After nearly a month of running, Gabor finally corners Hanschen one day after class. Ernst was home sick so Hanschen had no excuse and Gabor has, for once, ditched his spiky-haired shadow.

“We need to talk,” Melchior says. 

Hanschen’s heart feels like it's going to burst, he's so nervous. His head is thrumming with  _ He knows he knows he knows he knows _ , but he pushes that aside and forces a put upon sigh and a blank expression. “If we must.”

Melchior leads Hanschen to his house, to the Gabor’s old barn, which is more privacy than Hanschen thought he would be afforded when his whole life was torn apart. Gabor closes the door and looks at Hanschen for a second.

“Well?” Hanschen asks.

There's a moment where it looks like Gabor is going to punch him, like Melchior Gabor brought Hanschen out here so he could beat him silly for being a queer, but then he pounces in an entirely different way. Hanschen kisses back out of habit, out of instinct, then when his mind catches up with his body he pushes Gabor away. “What the fuck?” He breathes, “I thought you said we needed to talk?”

Gabor shrugs. “Actions speak louder than words.”

Hanschen puts a hand against his lips. They're warm and spit-slick, because Melchior Gabor is a horrible, sloppy kisser, but it's not entirely unpleasant. He looks at Gabor. Gabor looks at him. 

“You're not going to report me?”

“Why should I? I'd have to report myself as well.”

“You’re-?” Hanschen asks without asking and Gabor shrugs again.

After a moment of silence, Gabor says, “Anything I’d have to fight for.”

“Pardon?”

“I'm not queer, or at least not all queer,” Gabor explains, “Something I have to fight for, to work for and charm and force until it’s mine, that's what I want.”

Hanschen has no response to that but Gabor--Melchior, he supposes--licks his lips a little and it's so  _ easy  _ for Hanschen to just lean in and kiss him. 

It's not like it was with Max, Melchior is fighting indeed, biting at Hanschen’s lips and forcing his tongue in, and he has little to no kissing knowledge, but it's still good. Hanschen doesn't love Melchior, doesn't think he could  _ ever _ love Melchior, but this still feels good. 

When they separate, Melchior takes a deep breath but before he can speak, he coughs. “Sorry, it's the hay,” He says, but the damage is already done. The way Melchior has spoken reminds Hanschen so acutely of Max that he automatically stumbles a step back.

_ “Sorry, it's the flowers,” _ Max would say when they were together, even if he was hacking up bile in a way that clearly wasn't allergy related. 

“I- We shouldn't have done this. I have to go.” Hanschen says, eyes panicked and wild. He  _ can't _ do this again, can't let curse another boy to death.

“What?”

“ _ I have to go! _ ” Hanschen yells, before ripping open the barn door and running away.

As he trips over himself to get away from the Gabor's, away from his own memories, he swears he can hear Melchior say, “I don't want anything I don't have to fight for,” but Hanschen isn't going to turn around and ask. He manage to make it to his own house before he breaks down, stuffing a hand into his mouth so that his mother doesn't hear his shaking sobs. He  _ cannot _ do it again, never again.

* * *

 

Hanschen doesn't have to try hard to avoid Melchior this time. Moritz just barely passes the middle terms and Melchior is soon consumed with helping his friend study enough to stay in school past this term. Moritz looks at Melchior like he hung the stars, but Hanschen doubts that Melchior has noticed and even if he has, Hanschen doubts that Melchior cares.  _ I only want what I have to fight for _ , Hanschen remembers. 

Soon, finals are upon them and no one has time to think about anything but Latin, the Hapsburg's, and equations. When the dust settles, Hanschen has passed, as have Georg and Otto and Melchior and Ernst. Moritz Stiefel is kicked out of school right before Christmas break and kills himself in the woods on the last day of Christingle practice. There’s a funeral, even more fake and for show than Max’s was, and then school starts up again as if one of their classmates didn't just kill himself over it. Melchior is sent to a reformatory, no one knows why but Otto spreads a rumor that it's because Melchior’s radicalism pushed Moritz to believe death was the only way, and all the adults want to pretend that everything is normal but it's  _ not _ . Everything is duller these days, without Moritz bumbling around and without Melchior's daily interruptions, and Hanschen looks around at the world and at himself and at how Ernst hasn't smiled since Moritz was kicked out of school and he says  _ Fuck it _ . 

If god is going to take people that he knows and cares about anyway, Hanschen might as well enjoy the ride.

* * *

 

Ernst is soft under Hanschen’s hands. He’s quiet, barely makes a noise above soft  _ “Oh” _ s and  _ “Do that again” _ , but his body is more than responsive enough. Ernst kisses like he's drowning and Hanschen is air, like he  _ needs _ Hanschen to live. The first time they'd met in the vineyard, Ernst had said that he didn't expect anything out of Hanschen, that he had never expected to be kissed under the low hanging branches, but that he was happy. He had said that he loved Hanschen and Hanschen-

Hanschen had loved Max Von Trenk and he had wanted Melchior Gabor, but he doesn't know what Ernst is to him, just that it feels  _ right _ , them beneath the still barren branches in the empty vineyard, touching and feeling and just  _ being _ .

* * *

 

One day, Ernst doesn't meet Hanschen at the vineyard. It shouldn't be that odd, sometimes one of them can't get away after all, but Hanschen has a bad feeling. The next day, Ernst isn't there again and Hanschen walks to the Robel’s--a route he knows by heart now--under the guise of bringing homework. Frau Robel greets him at the door. 

“He’s got a bit of a cough,” She says, like her words aren't stopping Hanschen’s heart, “We’ve called a doctor, it’s probably nothing but better safe than sorry, right?” 

“Of course, Frau,” He says, forcing himself to calm down.  _ It's probably just a cold _ , He thinks, but then that's what they said about Max, too. He hands Frau Robel the work and shakes the thoughts from his head. Ernst will be fine.

* * *

 

“Pneumonia,” Frau Robel says a week later when she stops Hanschen at the door again. Her eyes are red ringed and puffy. Pneumonia is as close to a death sentence as they get around here. The doctors can identify it, but the only treatment is rest, and even that rarely works. Hanschen’s ears ring with the words.

“Can I- May I see him? Can he take visitors?”

Frau Robel shakes her head and pats him on the shoulder. “It's kind of you to care, I hadn't even known Ernst had any close friends until you came by, but the doctor said to isolate him. If you and the other school boys want to make him a card, I'll deliver it.”

Hanschen laughs, sharp and bitter. Ernst isn't well-liked, for all his good qualities. Georg and Otto would sign a card for him, out of politeness, but Ernst has no one at school to mourn him except Hanschen.  _ It's happening again _ , He thinks,  _ But this time I can't even be there for him _ . 

* * *

 

The funeral is quiet. Hanschen isn't even invited, the Robel’s had just wanted a ‘Family affair’. He's buried in the back of the cemetery, his grave empty but for his name and the years of his life. 

That evening, he goes to the church seeking an audience with Father Kaulbach. 

“You know,” Hanschen says once they've sat down, faux nonchalant and picking at his nails, “I used to want to be a clergyman.”

Father Kaulbach perks up. “Do you? We have an altarboy position open-”

“I said ‘used to’.” Hanschen looks up at last. Hanschen can't even imagine the animosity in his own eyes, but Father Kaulbach flinches back. “Now I know. The prestige of the clergy is an act, a mask they use to justify doing whatever they want.”

“You,” Father Kaulbach starts, “You can't prove anything.” 

“Do I need to? With all the rumors going around, would I have to prove anything before the church was looking for another priest?”

“You can't  _ do this _ .”

“See but that's the thing, I  _ can _ .” Hanschen says.  _ I have nothing to lose, it's all already been taken from me _ , He doesn't say. Father Kaulbach tries to string together something that will make Hanschen stop, but there's nothing that will make Hanschen stop. He couldn't be there for Ernst and he couldn't save Max but he will not let anyone else go through what Ernst would did. When he visits the graves later, he tells them both and he imagines that they'd be proud of him. 

It helps.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!!! comment, kudos, etc
> 
> [Main Tumblr](http://www.liveinlivingcolor.tumblr.com) | [Writing Blog](http://nacreousglowclouds.tumblr.com/) | [Personal Twitter](http://twitter.com/squidias)


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